I want to get married!! We dreamed about it and always thought it would be amazing, new world full of love, romantic, sex and new experiences. But it is not always a bed of roses. It doesn’t matter how long you have been dating or cohabiting or how sweet the engagement was, the moment you say “I do” expect everything to be different. Why it is important? Many times couples make this step blindly without researching on how exactly things between them will change. But when reality hits them, it can end up ugly. My husband and I were an example of how going into marriage without being prepared can nearly end it. So here a compiled list of the things I wish somebody had told me before I got married.
Marriage is different from cohabitation
Shall we live together? We had lived together for four years before making the ultimate decision. So, I did not think there was going to be much adjusting. I was wrong! That’s not how any of this works. Married life is more fast-paced than merely living together. First, it dawned on me that I am now committed to one person for the rest of my life. Second, there were a lot of expectations from friends and family members. Before they were nagging us about getting married, now, they wanted us to have kids. It never stops – once you have your fast born, they want to know when you will get a second born. At some point, I even asked myself, Why do people get married only to ruin the bliss of courtship.
You are marrying his family too
Balancing your two families will sometimes draw a wedge between the two of you. I didn’t expect that we would disagree on things such as, whose family we were going to spend the next Christmas or Easter holidays. Once I got married, dealing with my in-laws was difficult but later I learned that I had become part of a whole new family. I had to embrace everything about them, stresses, obligations, and the benefits that came along. We have learned to be fair with each other. If we spend one holiday with my in-laws, we spend the next spend one with my parents.
It is okay to hate each other sometimes
I did not know that there will be times when my spouse and I will not like each other or even fail to communicate for days. I have learned that it is okay to feel that way. Sometimes he pisses me off and I don’t want to see him for a while. But that when emotions calm, I still love him no matter how wrong he was. Lol. What matters is that you choose to love and respect each other throughout your life. But it’s important to remember that you are people with emotions and a sometimes different outlook. And you can hate each other sometimes and this is normal as long as you understand that on a global scale you cannot live without him, and he is the person who destined for you.
The little things matter
How often does your spouse say “thank you” or “I love you?” or kisses you when goes to work? I did not know how these simple expressions would change my gloomy days to brighter days. We made an effort in our relationship to do little acts of kindness, respect, and love. They are small things, but they add up and keep your marriage healthy. Why does being the considerate matter? Small actions such as holding hands in the car, a bouquet of flowers as a surprise gift or spontaneous dates can make your partner feel treasured and loved. Say sorry when you’re wrong and learn to forgive each other.
Marriage requires you to change
How to get married happily. You must change your perspective on various things for the union to work. You can’t apply the same thinking mechanisms you used while you were a single to your marriage. Nobody told me that the way I handle my difficult times or express my love must change to suit my spouse’s desires or act in a manner that makes sense to the other person.
Get married for the right reasons
There are many reasons marriages fail. Learn to identify the reasons not to get married early rather than come to regret later and feel trapped. You shouldn’t be planning any wedding if your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married, the decision was made because of pregnancy, if you are in love with someone else or if you aren’t ready. It is a big step. One mistake and you will be married but in love with someone else, or will be married but unhappy.
You will face the worst version of your spouse
What does marriage mean? After marriage, relationships change and the person whom you thought you know might change. No matter how long your courtship was and you still don’t know your partner as well as you think. People relax and show their true face, and sometimes it’s not at all the kind of face you expected to see. Your partner may portray versions of himself that you had no idea he had. Some bad habits or features may arise and you should be ready for this. And only with your love, patience, and efforts from both they probably might be fixed. Or not. Or you just have to get used to
Communication is key
Your spouse is not a mind reader and unless you tell him what you need him to do he might never understand. Sometimes my spouse makes comments that annoy me without realizing it. I would stay with the grudge for hours waiting for them to apologize. But I realized it was not obvious for him to know my feelings unless I told him. Only in such a way he can recognize what makes me happy or angry. Besides, the hints most men do not understand either. Therefore, gorgeous, you need to talk about your desires and dreams as well if you want them to come true. What is the point of having a spouse who you aren’t talking to?
Sex will be scheduled
Sex is vital in your relationship and it’s one of the benefits of being married. I did not expect that a time would come for us to sit down and discuss when we will be having sex. We had hectic working schedules, waking up very early, going home late and feeling exhausted by the end of the day. There was less or no time for sex. We realized we were drifting apart thus had to develop a schedule for sex. That’s may sound weird to unmarried couples but extremely helpful and convenient for married ones.
A different outlook on money spending
Something that is of priority for you might not be the same to your spouse. The difference might bring friction when deciding how to spend your money. We had this challenge, but we developed a mechanism where we would sit and discuss on our monthly budget and set goals. We became closer and were on the same page on matters.
You will disagree on things
We’re getting married! Remember how happy you were when you announced this to your friends and family. What you didn’t know is that marriage is not all about smiles all the time. Expect to argue from time to time. It doesn’t mean that because you love each, you will love everything about each other. It is not a sign that you are not right. But the first thing I had to acknowledge was that we are different people, with different preferences, outlooks, and temperaments. We come from different families with their rules. We were bound to disagree on things and it is okay. But respect the other’s choices. You have to involve each other in every decision and join forces in achieving our goals.
Criticism will destroy trust
Due to the trust you have built in each other, your spouse will be your primary source of emotional support. Married but looking for understanding. It is one of the reasons to get involved in this. I didn’t know that I will be the first person my spouse would run to, to share his thoughts, fears, and desires. I didn’t know that I was not supposed to judge or criticize him based on what he shared with me. This would break the trust, and he would not share with me anymore. That was until I learned how to provide the emotional support he needed. What is marriage all about? One of its purposes is being there for your partner when they need you.
Marriage is a constant work in progress
I thought that once you got settled down the family life, you will live happily ever after. Now I have learned that just being in love is not enough to make the marriage work. You have to invest other things into it to keep the fire burning. You have to keep dating each other, learning new things about each other and the relationships will remain healthy. Don’t get married if you aren’t ready to work on your relationship.
Is marriage worth it? It is hard, but like any other good thing, it is worth every effort. I hope this article will help you get a better picture if you are engaged or dating and willing to go down this path. Learn healthy habits of other successful couples before getting married. Expect that each of you will grow and change. Be the best version of you, build your love and enjoy this new step in your life.